By Katy Kennedy, HKYFS.
To bring awareness, recognize, and reflect, we now have months that are designated as “Something Month.” National Arthritis Month, Celiac Disease Awareness Month, Epilepsy Awareness Month and many more. Among other things, September is also National Recovery Month. This is intended by many organizations to increase awareness and understanding of those who have either dealt first hand with mental and/or substance use challenges, or who have been affected by these things because a loved one has been faced with these challenges.
A celebrity was being interviewed on a radio show, when the show host seemed perplexed and said “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were in recovery?” And the person responded, “I’m in recovery from my childhood- aren’t we all recovering from something?”
This got me thinking. About the woman I met with last week, grieving the passing of a dog that has been her faithful companion for 14 years. About the man who has been forced into retirement by the company he started, dealing with his feelings of betrayal, loss, rejection, and anger. About the teenager, switching schools, and her upset at losing life- long friends, while trying to overcome the anxiety she feels about starting in a new school.
In my practice, it is most common for clients to minimize their challenges. These are typical sayings I hear; “Well, I know I shouldn’t complain…” “I do understand that other people have it way worse,” “My issues are nothing compared to my sisters.” A commonality is that we often do not honor our own challenges. We can readily feel sorry and want to help others, however, what can be lacking is giving the same response to oneself.
A cliché saying is “You know how you can do 10 great things during the day, and one not so great? And what is that thing that is keeping me awake at night? That one not so great thing….” We tend to be unreasonably harder on ourselves, more negative towards ourselves, and less optimistic about ourselves than we feel about other people. Why is this?
I don’t have a cookie cutter answer for this one. The reasons that we can hold feelings of shame, regret, negativity, and self-blame towards our own self is unique to each individual and their growing up experiences as well as personality traits, and the life experiences. These three things– our family of origin, our experiences throughout life, and our personality come together to shape how we see the world– and how we see ourselves. The good news is, we can work with this framework, and even work with it to change it towards the positive.
When someone says something unkind about themselves, I will usually ask, “Would you say that about a friend?” I generally get a shocked look and an emphatic “NO! Of course not!” And then often some minutes of self- reflecting.
Awareness Months, are good to do exactly that; become aware. To honor the pain and hardships we may still be recovering from. Some thoughts related to your journey in recovery:
- How do you treat yourself?
- What activities do you do that strictly benefit you and only you? What is your self-care? Or do you even practice that?
- When was the last time you enjoyed an ideal day (perhaps we first need to come to know what an ideal day might be like!)?
- Can you name the positive traits in yourself that others see and that you believe you have?
- What do you deserve in this life, and how might you go about to achieve it?
Recovery Month for September can mean something to everyone– and there is no scale, no this recovery is “bigger” than that recovery. Recovery means honoring the struggle, the complicated feelings, the hurt feelings we all have at one time or another. The practice is to be as kind and forgiving to ourselves as we are to others as we work our recovery. And as we come to learn and practice this kindness to ourselves, we will find that the compassion we give to others is readily available- and needed, to give to ourselves.
