the age of information.
This is not
the age of information.
Forget the news,
and the radio,
and the blurred screen.
This is the time
of loaves
and fishes.
People are hungry
and one good word is bread
for a thousand.
By Katy Kennedy.
Three weeks ago, I came to my work (as usual) after sending the kids off to school (as usual), saw clients (as usual) joked and thought about ideas for spring break (as usual) stressed about what now seems like the little stuff (as usual), grocery shopped on the way home (as usual) and returned to home with no special plans, ideas, or thoughts about much more than getting through the week (as usual).
Well, we all know now, that our “usual” has become most unusual in record time. So quickly, in fact that many of us are still in disbelief. Even as we see the stories on TV, hear the accounts, listen to our leaders, and are forced to reconcile with a changing world – whether it is distance learning at home, lost job, staying away from an elderly parent, needed grocery items nowhere to be found, questions from loved ones and friends that we don’t know how to answer, and a new technology I am learning to embrace — the world of ZOOM.
I am going to share some thoughts on what I often talk about and hear about in therapy sessions. The past, and, the future. These two topics dominate much of our thinking, and while we know we shouldn’t be spending as much time in these realms of thinking, we often find ourselves there.
The past. These are some of the common thoughts people are beginning their sentences with :
“Why didn’t they…”
“What if I had…”
“Maybe she should have…”
“I wonder if he only did…”
“Could we have…”
The shoulda/couldas/wouldas are currently making a strong comeback, and it is likely that over the next many weeks, we will be saying and wondering these things- a lot.
Wondering about the past, and what we could have done differently can be productive, constructive, and informative. It can also trigger a lot of shame, blame, anger, and keep us stuck from moving forward. There will be time to analyze our own actions/inactions, as well as the communities and our greater government at large. We will need to learn from what we are living through. However, right now, we need to lean less on blame, and more on compassion. Less on “what he/she/I didn’t do” and more on “What CAN I do.” When we put our efforts into “What can I do” we feel empowered, hopeful, connected, engaged. A friend told me that someone in her neighborhood organized a “wave and hello at 7pm.” At 7 pm every night, people come out of their homes and wave and say hello. Another friend was surprised to find inspirational quotes in his mailbox from an old Veteran who survived the Vietnam War. Yes, there will be things we realized we could have done differently. The U.S. on every level, individual, family, town, state country, will need to contend with some big questions. However, right now, our efforts can be placed in the “What can WE do;” because, quite literally, we are in it together.
The future. These are some of the common thoughts people are beginning their sentences with:
“What if they…”
“How will I …”
“When can he…”
“Why wouldn’t she…”
“Why did I …”
“Who will …”
“Where will we be…”
Right? So many questions. All valid, worth responses, worth having answers to — and yet, so few answers.
Uncertainty. One of the most uncomfortable feelings human beings experience. In a session someone will invariably say, “I don’t care what it is, I just need to know!!!”
Yes, but we don’t. There are some things we know. And a lot of things we do not know. Here are some strategies.
- Work with what you know. Pay attention to the things you can do, the actions you can take to stay healthy, take care of your loved ones, and be kind to others. We are in this together.
- Acknowledge the uncertainty and value your questions- while admitting that sometimes there aren’t answers, or the answers may take some time.
- Do not minimize the things you can do. If you can call an old friend and make their day, if you can reach out to a neighbor you know lives alone, if you can read a book to a child instead of watching the news for a little bit- do that. You know the things that matter- trust yourself to know what priorities are important. You know.
My usual is gone. Not all of it, but a lot of it. I miss it. I am fearful at times it won’t return, or a little anxious about how long it will take to return. I also wonder about the unusual; that may be some unusual good things might in the future become my usual, and that could be a good thing.
